I get scared by how many people there are | 8.21.25
There are so many people. Doing so many things. I only know a ridiculously tiny fraction of those people, and an even smaller fraction what they're doing. This frustrates me in a complex matter. At one level it terrifies me. Take the escalator up another level, it sickens me. Hop on the elevator, press floor 5, it taunts me. Climb the ladder to the roof, it infuriates me.¹ It resembles the feeling one gets from watching those animations, slowly zooming out from a single atom, revealing the abyss of the ever expanding galaxy. Or when you stare at the James Webb telescope pictures for too long and want to barf your guts out.
Is it feeling insignificant? Sure. But there's more to it. I find it incredibly dreadful I don't have the capacity to know every single person, at all levels.
Insentientophobia noun. /inˈsenSH(ē)əntəˈfōbēə/
Extreme or irrational fear of not being all-knowing
Out of all the omnis, omniscience seems the most appealing to me. I don't care about omnipotential or omnipresence. Throw them out. Gross. But... to know everybody and everything so intimately would be outrageously satisfying. Knowledge acquisition in my current state is so time consuming. Who am I but a pathetic wretched soul, forced to lap up droplets of knowledge in real time? Sure, I could listen to my books at double speed, potentially doubling the amount of books read in my life. But that's no fun either! I enjoy the slow process of a book. I like letting it meander in my mind. Let me dawdle in the pages. I don't want information quickly, I want it all. Now.
Please understand I'm never putting a chip in my brain to "achieve" this, by the way. No computer chip could feasibly do what I want. No matter how sophisticated our techno-fascist surveillance system gets, there's no way a technology could achieve the intimate human connection I crave with everything, everyone, in real time.²
Alas, here I am. Stuck with a primitive, stupid, lousy consciousness only capable of so much expansion. Truthfully, I need to meditate more.³ Maybe there's something I'm not tapping into. Maybe if I try hard enough I can find a mental portal to the wealth of everlasting knowledge.
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¹ I love being on a good roof. I try to get on the roof of every building I possibly can.
² I must note I do not want to be God. Yes, this is a god-like super power, but I don't want the god responsibilities. That's way too much to deal with. I just wanna know, ya know?
³ I'm fantastic at meditating once a month, convincing myself each time it will become a daily habit.